Relaxation, FINALLY

Current Song: Turn the Page - Blind Guardian

Spring Break came at the perfect time. If I had to go another week at college, I think I would have lost my mind. I was so exhausted and so tired of everything. And, as my family knows, I can become a living nightmare once I get like that. So spring break = win! (not like Charlie Sheen. I'm not banging 7 gram rocks and sleeping with prostitutes.)

I turn 19 tomorrow. It's kinda weird to think about because it seems like my 18th birthday was just yesterday. The time between my 18th and 19th birthday is all mixed up in my brain... SO much stuff happened between then and now. I don't even know how I handled it all. Tomorrow, for the first time ever on my birthday, if anyone asks me if I feel older, I think I'll be able to truthfully tell that person yes. I had a lot of really good times and a lot of really awful times... but in the end that made me who I am right now. From performing in my first school play to working a crazy long summer, from starting and adjusting to college and balancing time at home... and all the other crazy stuff that happened (haha), it's been a jam-packed year. Hopefully 19 won't be quite as crazy, but if it is... well, bring it on! Hopefully I'll be able to handle it a little better :).

Yeah, I'm not writing a whole long blog where you're supposed to learn something. This one's all about me, because I'm conceited. Hahaha :D

Anyway, I'll end with some songs I recommend you all listen to, because I'm awesome like that. Go look these suckers up on Youtube.

The Bard's Song - Blind Guardian (he's German, so don't question his accent lol)
Strawberry Swing - Coldplay (Favorite song ever)
Long Away - Queen (This one is sung by the guitarist, Brian May)
Edge of the Earth - 30 Seconds to Mars (Jared Leto!)
Born to Be Wasted - 009 Sound System (hehe, this one is fun to listen to in my car)
I Can Walk On Water - Basshunter (If you want to DAAAANCE!)
Glosoli - Sigur Ros (I don't know how to put the accents in. This song is... awesome!)
409 In Your Coffeemaker - Green Day (yes, part of the url of my blog. This is early Green Day!)
I Won't Leave - Denison Witmer (This song makes me sleepy :)  )

Everyone who is on spring break and reading this, have a lovely rest of spring break. To everyone else, have a lovely rest of the week.

Caring

"I measured the distance from Heaven to Hell 

How will we do only time will tell 

Oh when you stop worrying 

What anyone says doesn't mean a thing 

Just tell me you're feeling it 

And you're not disbelieving it 

I'll pay you in kind or silver and gold 

I want to ignore all the stories untold 

Make me an offer I cannot refuse 

You know if I win then that means you lose 

Just say you believe in it 

That you're not, not feeling it 

Dwelling on the memories 

Is such a waste of energy 

It's simple when you see it in front of you 

On walls, in bedrooms 

Hold you're head up higher 

Don't tell me you're not strong enough 

If your journey's over 

I hope you feel that I am the one 

Only time will tell 

Just say you'll be loving me 

For an eternity 

Oh I feel tired of all of these games 

Everywhere, everything is the same 

Tell me you'll promise you might come with me 

The start of a Journey from A to B 

I'll be happy to carry you 

Even though I know I haven't got the strength to hold you 

I need you more than ever before 

If our journey's over 

I hope that you will find someone who will love you more 

Now not for the first time 

What I want might not be mine 

If you say you won't come along 

Then I know I can't go it alone"

- Badly Drawn Boy: A Journey From A to B

Yeah, I may have just posted lyrics that somehow struck a chord with me and it somewhat relates to me and all of that jazz (cue me getting "All that Jazz" from the Chicago soundtrack stuck in my head). No, I'm not madly in love with anyone. Yes, the song IS sung by one of those guys that plays a thousand different instruments and somehow uses every one of them in the CD they made. (I really do love Badly Drawn Boy)

But hey, at least I didn't say this song was how I was feeling right now:


(I guess I should say there's a small Parental Advisory on a certain section of the lyrics, and if you're afraid of funky looking masks, don't watch the second half)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUTGr5t3MoY


And... at least I didn't say I was feeling like a Simple Plan song.


oh, I also thought about Rick Rolling you all. 


ANYWAY... to discussing what's been on my mind... 


I'm pretty sure ever since Lauren died in the 6th grade, I've had this crazy fear of losing people close to me. After Brandon and Amanda died, this fear grew immensely. However, I'm not only talking about people dying. I'm also talking about losing friendships with people who mean the world to me. (I don't trust easily, either).


I used to work so hard and do anything for people that it got to the point where I would neglect what I need to do or get blamed for things I didn't have control over just in hopes that I wouldn't lose everyone. I got hurt a lot. I was losing my identity in everyone else and the events around me, even though I'm actually quite independent by nature.


Now I get this mental image of God sitting up there, doing a major face palm, and saying "Hey Sarah, I'm pretty sure you have your OWN identity... Caring for others is AWESOME all and I say you should... but I mean really? You're actually a person yourself as well. Oh and you're really beautiful, so stop hiding that behind your insanely long hair so you can hide your face and stop wearing boring old t-shirts EVERY day."


Yeah, I did just compliment and insult myself in the same sentence just because I can. Mind blown?


Yeah I didn't think so.


Now that I'm done putting words in God's mouth and hoping lightening doesn't strike me down for it, lets move on. I've finally stopped neglecting myself in that way, and I don't let people manipulate me. I do lose my respect for people who do that to me, and I don't let that happen again. Losing contact with that is fine. 


That's all fine and dandy. However, I still start worrying about all of the ways I could possibly lose someone I care about by something I said in the past or may say in the future. I don't like circumstances that take me far away from the people I love.


I really hate seeing the people I care about hurt and too emotionally weak to do anything, so I will do anything to help them (sometimes it's tough love though. Please remember that). If people want to turn to me for help, I will gladly give it. Even on the days I'm not feeling 100% emotionally fan-freaking-tastic, I still will try and push that aside (temporarily!) to help others. Even though I am crazily independent on many, many things, my friends and family hold an extremely high importance in my life. Even if I act like I don't need them, I really do.


Yup, now you all can take a minute to see how that all fits in to the song and stuff. If it does. Maybe it doesn't and I'm just crazy haha.


So when that last bit of the song said "If our journey's over, I hope you that you will find someone who will love you more" that kinda stung. No, it really stung. It stung worse then the time I stepped on a bee when I was six.


DISCLAIMER: IT HAS NOW COME TO THAT TIME WHERE I SOMEHOW GRAB SOME SORT OF LESSON OR ADVICE OUT OF THE JUMBLED MESS I JUST TYPED


I think sometimes I get that mentality that since I put so much energy in to the friendship, I somehow have some sort of... I dunno, prestige that should magically stop any sort of change in said friendship. I think I have the power of how long we will be friends and how close we will be. I think I'm like a mother hen or something, being able to ALWAYS take care of that person. If there's change or conflict or whatever... I feel like I failed.


Huh, yeah that's not how it works. I've gone from having no self esteem to feeling like I control everything. Hmmm... now that's certainly a problem!


Things do change. Relationships with people always change and develop. You may be able to take care of someone for a while, but you have to let it go at that point (hmmm, sounds like Brandon and I both have that in common). You learn whether or not any type of relationship was supposed to work out or not. There's no doubt that it can hurt when circumstances change any sort of relationship. But I guess it's just the next step you have to take.


I'm still learning this lesson. However in this process I've also learned... I have some pretty incredible friends and family in my life.

Independence

Song: Heartbreak Warfare - John Mayer

I have been so busy the past couple of weeks, and finally today I get a little break before actually having to start doing a ton of work again. Ah, college, all it does is kick your butt. 

Anyway, I've been thinking lately about I've grown up to be an overly independent person. It's why I LOVE having a car so much and am overly protective of it (besides the fact my parents pay for it :D). I can chose when to drive and where to go instead of depending on other people. Asking for help is one of my least favorite things to do, EVER. For some reason, I have this mindset that if I can't do it by myself, it's not worth doing in the first place. 

Now I will make a list of 10 things I have no idea how to do yet.

1. Bills

2. Taxes

3. Change a car tire

4. Swim

5. Study for Appreciation of Music class

6. Use an ATM

7. Tolerate loud pounding from the fourth floor

8. Fix a computer

9. Drive a stick shift car

10. Dance

Hmmm... And how am I supposed to learn how to do these things without asking someone for help? I maybe could teach myself how to do some of those things without anyone's help... but it would make things a whole lot easier. I love it when someone asks me for help with something... I like helping them learn. But I won't do it for myself.

Challenge for this week: If you need help with something, JUST ASK SOMEONE. Yes, this is coming from the person who insists doing everything herself. I guess it's alright to step out of the box once in a while.

The Twenty Third Day of the Second Month

Listening to: Memories With Brandon playlist

Well, I said the next post would be a happier topic, but I lied. Sorry.

Today's the day. The one year anniversary from the worst news of my entire life. There's a link to the news story.

http://www.indianasnewscenter.com/news/local/85077767.html

I woke up today at the time Brandon died last year. Yeah, that put a damper on the already crappy day. My stomach just sunk so low. So I went back to sleep. I woke up at the time we called him to check on him (we didn't know he was already gone). I punched my pillow and went back to sleep until my alarm went off.

My stomach sunk again today around the exact time Amanda's death was announced over the loud speakers at the high school.

My friends at college knew this was going to be a tough day/week for me, so they've been trying to cheer me up in subtle ways. (For example, Mary suggesting we skip chapel, drink coffee, eat cookies, and talk? YEAH! Awesome :D) I appreciate and thank everyone immensely for this. Because I don't want it to me made a huge deal. I do, however, need to be handled with a little more care today.

The support from friends and family back home, of course, I can just feel. And I just want to let them know I love them so much.

I am back at my house for a while. I find myself wanting to go back to the school and being in Ligonier again, though. Returning to the place where the madness began. I don't really have time to go back to Ligonier today, but that's where I want to be. I guess times change, though, and I can't always go running back to wherever when I want. Things change. Life goes on.

I cherish all my memories though. Good and bad, I take them with care and learn from them. So honestly, I am feeling very sad today, but all the happy memories popping up in my brain with Brandon and Amanda are making me smile a whole, whole lot.

There's a lesson for you all today. Cherish everything about the people you love. Because you don't know when they're just going to be gone.

Kindergarten (couldn't find pre-school picture)

Senior Year

The Shortest Month

Album I listened to while writing this blog: 009 Sound System (self-titled album)

Ironically I'm writing a blog on how February has kicked me in the butt in the past few years on Valentine's Day of this year. 

I don't remember freshman year February that well. Which is probably good. I remember working on Midsummer Night's Dream. That's about it.

Sophomore year was a difficult year in general. A lot of fun, yes, but I remember talking to Mr. Brandon Replogle about all of the struggles he was going through at the time (yes, in February). The ages of 15 and 16 are not necessarily fun ones to go through, and both of us were going through some really crappy things. Crappy 15 and 16 year old things apparently. I can't really remember specifics any more, but it happened. Plus theatre that semester was insanely dramatic (surprise surprise) and I considered quitting after that play.

Junior year in February I was a stereotypical 16 year old drama queen. I wanted everything to go my way and wanted to secretly smite others in the process or something. I had to prove to everyone that I was the best and that people should listen to me. Or something. I'm not going to give specifics because I'd rather not drag all of that up again. But I secretly ran around behind a lot of people's backs and wanted to get caught up in any drama I could. For some reason, nothing that I should have deemed important at the time was important to me. I lacked in self confidence, and any attention I could get was ideal. This got better when February ended, but I still wasn't fantastic.

Senior year... of course senior year February was the worst February I have ever had and more than likely will ever have. It started out really great. Semi-formal was pretty fun. I got a part in the school play. We had a Mardi-Gras party where I somewhat learned how to do a Cajun waltz (thank you, Bryan, for putting up with my awful dancing abilities during that and during the play it was for) and I got to talk to Schwartz and friends for a while afterwards. The winter Olympics were on TV, and I never missed watching a night of it. I danced around the living room and cheered late at night the night Shaun White kicked butt at half pipe. The very next day I took a really fun government field trip to the capital. Having the words "fun" and "government" in the same sentence is an oxymoron usually for me, but this was a rare occasion. This was a great day.

Just days later, though, all of this happiness washed completely away and seemed so distant, like a dream of some sort. I got the horrible news that one of my best friends since pre-school died in a car crash, and that another friend of mine died in a different car crash. Brandon Allan Replogle and Amanda Lynn Musser. On the same day, just minutes apart from one another. I remember every event of that day like it was yesterday. The pain was so overwhelming, and my brain had numb itself just so I wouldn't go crazy. Trying to go through that week of school was hell. I wasn't required to do anything in class or even go to class. But it was horrible. The day of the viewings was like a giant kick in the gut. Seeing Amanda lying there made me cry like I've never cried before. Going to Brandon's, though, about did it in for me. The guy I had depended on for years and years was lying in a casket in front of me. I about collapsed when I saw him, I was so weak in the knees. I could barely see anything or anyone because I was crying so hard. The funerals and burials were terrible to go through, but I'm not really up to writing about those. I didn't cry as much as I thought I would, but I think I was just tired of it. It's not like I didn't feel incredible sadness or pain just because I didn't cry a whole lot. Believe me, I felt that sadness. 

Of course, I still feel that sadness. Every time I see a picture of Hugh Jackman, I laugh and think about one of the last conversations I had with Amanda about how incredibly hot he is. I look through pictures of Amanda and I and think about all of the hilarious conversations we've had, including "this conversation stays at the tech table!" conversations. Every time something happens in my life, I still want to turn to Brandon to get his opinion or just get a hug. I still turn to see if his truck is in his parking spot at our church whenever I go. He and I had a special friendship/practically siblings that can't be replaced no matter how hard I look. Because no one can possibly be another Brandon.

I wrote all of this to let you all know a little of what I've been through, and those events still affect me to this day. Of course it does, though, the year mark is just coming up. It still hurts. 

So what about this February? It's only half way through. It's Valentine's Day. So I don't really know yet. I actually had a pretty good start to Valentine's Day (haha, Fred shout out to you!) minus the fire drill we had. There's a lot of pink and flowers and candy and hearts everywhere, which kinda makes me want to gag. But I'm letting this day remind me of all the people I love and cherish. Including the ones who are chilling in Heaven having the best celebrations ever. Lauren, that includes you, dear :) (Lauren is a different story I don't want to get in to right now). 

(Back Row: Brianna Walton. Front Row: Kayla Peterson, Me, Brandon Replogle, Amanda Musser)

I miss these two like crazy. (and I'm pretty sure they'd want me to post a more flattering picture of both of them :P). But they're chilling out in a way better place waiting for us now. And I know Brandon will be standing there waiting to give me the biggest hug ever :).

However, every time I think of next week rolling around, I know it's the one year mark of the worst week in history for me, and I'm kinda dreading it. I still  have to deal with the pain and absence down here on Earth.

That's February's annual "kick Sarah in the butt" time I guess. I think I'll just start rolling around with it, expecting it, and start kicking it in the butt back. I won't let it tear me apart now. Stupid February.

(I'll pick a happier topic next time I write, but life isn't always happy. Hence the more serious/sad blog).

Caffè Americano

I honestly think I just had one of the most perfect coffee house experiences today.

I think everyone who lives in the Warsaw, Indiana area flipped out when they heard that a Starbucks was going to be built in the town. I love any coffee house, don't get me wrong, but my wonderful mother got me a Starbucks gift card because, well, she knows I love coffee and Starbucks is amazing. So today I decided to actually use the gift card.

This semester I have Tuesday nights completely to myself. I took advantage of that today and went off campus. I had never been to this Starbucks before. I timidly walked in, turned towards the counter and... saw that the barista was really, really cute. Hehehe. I ordered my Grande Caffe Americano with some pseudo-confidence I found inside me (I'm not the best with ordering things. Especially in a new location and there's a really cute guy taking my order) and waited patiently as he made it for me. He filled it to the brim (almost spilling it as he tried to put the lid on) and cautiously handed it to me. I smiled politely and said thank you, and walked happily away to find a couch where I could sit and study.

Kudos to Cute Barista, he made an extremely good Americano and it stayed scalding hot for over a half an hour. After burning my tongue, I sat down to study for two quizzes I have tomorrow. I got a lot of studying done and I'm confident on how well I'll do on those quizzes, but that's not really the point of what I want to talk about.

The atmosphere in a coffee house is very unique. It's one thing to just order the coffee from their and leave. It's another to actually stay and experience what it's like. I sat and experienced it for two and a half hours.

Today I had many of the classic characters one will find in a coffee house at some point in their lives pop in and out of the place. There was a family with very loud children who were excited about going up to the second floor (which confirmed that the choice I made of staying on the bottom level was the correct one). The group of older ladies who looked like they were somewhat stuck in the 80s were having a blast catching up with one another at the table closest to the doors. The couple meeting an old friend for coffee sat in the corner in the comfy chairs. The frazzled looking college student came in and set up a homework station for herself in a booth. The classic "same side sitter" couple came in and giggled more than studied their homework. The loud friendly middle aged couple came in and talked to anyone around them while ordering their coffee. An older man sat by himself enjoying his cup of coffee. More people walked up and down the steps from the top than I can remember. And then there was me, sitting at the couch close to the wall where I could get comfortable to study and could see everything.

No matter how many people were in the place at any given moment, though, the atmosphere was so relaxed. Many of the people who ordered coffee there today waited impatiently for it and then left in a whirlwind. However, the people who stayed gradually released the tension they had while walking in and became much more relaxed. Whatever the story was behind their day didn't really seem to matter at that point. They were taking a break from whatever had happened that day. I needed that for myself, too. I'm not a person who always needs to be doing something (and many times should be doing something when I'm not), but sometimes I still get wrapped up in that mindset that if I'm not bouncing from one thing to the next like rapid fire, doing a thousand things at once, or talking to people constantly, I'm not doing something right.

Americans are used to a hectic lifestyle, and sometimes I think they get so wrapped up in their business that the thought of taking a time out to enjoy a cup of coffee either bores them or scares them. Even if they're doing something productive while enjoying a cup of coffee, like homework, it's still not enough. We're used to doing several different things at once, and if we don't do it like that we're not getting enough done in a day. Even if we're draining ourselves to the point where we feel like crap, we still keep trudging through until burn out comes.

I understand things need to get done. I understand that we can't all just sit around on our butts and expect everything to just happen for us (even though I may act like that sometimes haha). But why must we work ourselves to death? Why must we always be in "rapid fire go" mode? Why can't more people just take a breather and relax at least once a day? Why can't we just focus on one thing at a time sometimes? Just think of that whenever you start feeling overloaded.

Today I learned to go to a relaxing environment if I need it. The time I had there was so refreshing and a reminder that I don't need to handle everything all at once. I can prioritize. And, *gasp* take time to take care of MYSELF before diving in to something again.

I had quite an amazing time today. It was a nice reminder that slowing down does not mean you are weak.

Well, and Cute Barista who makes amazing coffee had a little something to do with it, too. Hehe :)

Take a break, people.

Bacon. Cheese. French Fries. 

I had this extremely fattening concoction at Outback Steakhouse today with Alyssa and her mom and dad.

This is really, really good.

That is all.