Caring

"I measured the distance from Heaven to Hell 

How will we do only time will tell 

Oh when you stop worrying 

What anyone says doesn't mean a thing 

Just tell me you're feeling it 

And you're not disbelieving it 

I'll pay you in kind or silver and gold 

I want to ignore all the stories untold 

Make me an offer I cannot refuse 

You know if I win then that means you lose 

Just say you believe in it 

That you're not, not feeling it 

Dwelling on the memories 

Is such a waste of energy 

It's simple when you see it in front of you 

On walls, in bedrooms 

Hold you're head up higher 

Don't tell me you're not strong enough 

If your journey's over 

I hope you feel that I am the one 

Only time will tell 

Just say you'll be loving me 

For an eternity 

Oh I feel tired of all of these games 

Everywhere, everything is the same 

Tell me you'll promise you might come with me 

The start of a Journey from A to B 

I'll be happy to carry you 

Even though I know I haven't got the strength to hold you 

I need you more than ever before 

If our journey's over 

I hope that you will find someone who will love you more 

Now not for the first time 

What I want might not be mine 

If you say you won't come along 

Then I know I can't go it alone"

- Badly Drawn Boy: A Journey From A to B

Yeah, I may have just posted lyrics that somehow struck a chord with me and it somewhat relates to me and all of that jazz (cue me getting "All that Jazz" from the Chicago soundtrack stuck in my head). No, I'm not madly in love with anyone. Yes, the song IS sung by one of those guys that plays a thousand different instruments and somehow uses every one of them in the CD they made. (I really do love Badly Drawn Boy)

But hey, at least I didn't say this song was how I was feeling right now:


(I guess I should say there's a small Parental Advisory on a certain section of the lyrics, and if you're afraid of funky looking masks, don't watch the second half)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUTGr5t3MoY


And... at least I didn't say I was feeling like a Simple Plan song.


oh, I also thought about Rick Rolling you all. 


ANYWAY... to discussing what's been on my mind... 


I'm pretty sure ever since Lauren died in the 6th grade, I've had this crazy fear of losing people close to me. After Brandon and Amanda died, this fear grew immensely. However, I'm not only talking about people dying. I'm also talking about losing friendships with people who mean the world to me. (I don't trust easily, either).


I used to work so hard and do anything for people that it got to the point where I would neglect what I need to do or get blamed for things I didn't have control over just in hopes that I wouldn't lose everyone. I got hurt a lot. I was losing my identity in everyone else and the events around me, even though I'm actually quite independent by nature.


Now I get this mental image of God sitting up there, doing a major face palm, and saying "Hey Sarah, I'm pretty sure you have your OWN identity... Caring for others is AWESOME all and I say you should... but I mean really? You're actually a person yourself as well. Oh and you're really beautiful, so stop hiding that behind your insanely long hair so you can hide your face and stop wearing boring old t-shirts EVERY day."


Yeah, I did just compliment and insult myself in the same sentence just because I can. Mind blown?


Yeah I didn't think so.


Now that I'm done putting words in God's mouth and hoping lightening doesn't strike me down for it, lets move on. I've finally stopped neglecting myself in that way, and I don't let people manipulate me. I do lose my respect for people who do that to me, and I don't let that happen again. Losing contact with that is fine. 


That's all fine and dandy. However, I still start worrying about all of the ways I could possibly lose someone I care about by something I said in the past or may say in the future. I don't like circumstances that take me far away from the people I love.


I really hate seeing the people I care about hurt and too emotionally weak to do anything, so I will do anything to help them (sometimes it's tough love though. Please remember that). If people want to turn to me for help, I will gladly give it. Even on the days I'm not feeling 100% emotionally fan-freaking-tastic, I still will try and push that aside (temporarily!) to help others. Even though I am crazily independent on many, many things, my friends and family hold an extremely high importance in my life. Even if I act like I don't need them, I really do.


Yup, now you all can take a minute to see how that all fits in to the song and stuff. If it does. Maybe it doesn't and I'm just crazy haha.


So when that last bit of the song said "If our journey's over, I hope you that you will find someone who will love you more" that kinda stung. No, it really stung. It stung worse then the time I stepped on a bee when I was six.


DISCLAIMER: IT HAS NOW COME TO THAT TIME WHERE I SOMEHOW GRAB SOME SORT OF LESSON OR ADVICE OUT OF THE JUMBLED MESS I JUST TYPED


I think sometimes I get that mentality that since I put so much energy in to the friendship, I somehow have some sort of... I dunno, prestige that should magically stop any sort of change in said friendship. I think I have the power of how long we will be friends and how close we will be. I think I'm like a mother hen or something, being able to ALWAYS take care of that person. If there's change or conflict or whatever... I feel like I failed.


Huh, yeah that's not how it works. I've gone from having no self esteem to feeling like I control everything. Hmmm... now that's certainly a problem!


Things do change. Relationships with people always change and develop. You may be able to take care of someone for a while, but you have to let it go at that point (hmmm, sounds like Brandon and I both have that in common). You learn whether or not any type of relationship was supposed to work out or not. There's no doubt that it can hurt when circumstances change any sort of relationship. But I guess it's just the next step you have to take.


I'm still learning this lesson. However in this process I've also learned... I have some pretty incredible friends and family in my life.