Independence

Song: Heartbreak Warfare - John Mayer

I have been so busy the past couple of weeks, and finally today I get a little break before actually having to start doing a ton of work again. Ah, college, all it does is kick your butt. 

Anyway, I've been thinking lately about I've grown up to be an overly independent person. It's why I LOVE having a car so much and am overly protective of it (besides the fact my parents pay for it :D). I can chose when to drive and where to go instead of depending on other people. Asking for help is one of my least favorite things to do, EVER. For some reason, I have this mindset that if I can't do it by myself, it's not worth doing in the first place. 

Now I will make a list of 10 things I have no idea how to do yet.

1. Bills

2. Taxes

3. Change a car tire

4. Swim

5. Study for Appreciation of Music class

6. Use an ATM

7. Tolerate loud pounding from the fourth floor

8. Fix a computer

9. Drive a stick shift car

10. Dance

Hmmm... And how am I supposed to learn how to do these things without asking someone for help? I maybe could teach myself how to do some of those things without anyone's help... but it would make things a whole lot easier. I love it when someone asks me for help with something... I like helping them learn. But I won't do it for myself.

Challenge for this week: If you need help with something, JUST ASK SOMEONE. Yes, this is coming from the person who insists doing everything herself. I guess it's alright to step out of the box once in a while.

The Twenty Third Day of the Second Month

Listening to: Memories With Brandon playlist

Well, I said the next post would be a happier topic, but I lied. Sorry.

Today's the day. The one year anniversary from the worst news of my entire life. There's a link to the news story.

http://www.indianasnewscenter.com/news/local/85077767.html

I woke up today at the time Brandon died last year. Yeah, that put a damper on the already crappy day. My stomach just sunk so low. So I went back to sleep. I woke up at the time we called him to check on him (we didn't know he was already gone). I punched my pillow and went back to sleep until my alarm went off.

My stomach sunk again today around the exact time Amanda's death was announced over the loud speakers at the high school.

My friends at college knew this was going to be a tough day/week for me, so they've been trying to cheer me up in subtle ways. (For example, Mary suggesting we skip chapel, drink coffee, eat cookies, and talk? YEAH! Awesome :D) I appreciate and thank everyone immensely for this. Because I don't want it to me made a huge deal. I do, however, need to be handled with a little more care today.

The support from friends and family back home, of course, I can just feel. And I just want to let them know I love them so much.

I am back at my house for a while. I find myself wanting to go back to the school and being in Ligonier again, though. Returning to the place where the madness began. I don't really have time to go back to Ligonier today, but that's where I want to be. I guess times change, though, and I can't always go running back to wherever when I want. Things change. Life goes on.

I cherish all my memories though. Good and bad, I take them with care and learn from them. So honestly, I am feeling very sad today, but all the happy memories popping up in my brain with Brandon and Amanda are making me smile a whole, whole lot.

There's a lesson for you all today. Cherish everything about the people you love. Because you don't know when they're just going to be gone.

Kindergarten (couldn't find pre-school picture)

Senior Year

The Shortest Month

Album I listened to while writing this blog: 009 Sound System (self-titled album)

Ironically I'm writing a blog on how February has kicked me in the butt in the past few years on Valentine's Day of this year. 

I don't remember freshman year February that well. Which is probably good. I remember working on Midsummer Night's Dream. That's about it.

Sophomore year was a difficult year in general. A lot of fun, yes, but I remember talking to Mr. Brandon Replogle about all of the struggles he was going through at the time (yes, in February). The ages of 15 and 16 are not necessarily fun ones to go through, and both of us were going through some really crappy things. Crappy 15 and 16 year old things apparently. I can't really remember specifics any more, but it happened. Plus theatre that semester was insanely dramatic (surprise surprise) and I considered quitting after that play.

Junior year in February I was a stereotypical 16 year old drama queen. I wanted everything to go my way and wanted to secretly smite others in the process or something. I had to prove to everyone that I was the best and that people should listen to me. Or something. I'm not going to give specifics because I'd rather not drag all of that up again. But I secretly ran around behind a lot of people's backs and wanted to get caught up in any drama I could. For some reason, nothing that I should have deemed important at the time was important to me. I lacked in self confidence, and any attention I could get was ideal. This got better when February ended, but I still wasn't fantastic.

Senior year... of course senior year February was the worst February I have ever had and more than likely will ever have. It started out really great. Semi-formal was pretty fun. I got a part in the school play. We had a Mardi-Gras party where I somewhat learned how to do a Cajun waltz (thank you, Bryan, for putting up with my awful dancing abilities during that and during the play it was for) and I got to talk to Schwartz and friends for a while afterwards. The winter Olympics were on TV, and I never missed watching a night of it. I danced around the living room and cheered late at night the night Shaun White kicked butt at half pipe. The very next day I took a really fun government field trip to the capital. Having the words "fun" and "government" in the same sentence is an oxymoron usually for me, but this was a rare occasion. This was a great day.

Just days later, though, all of this happiness washed completely away and seemed so distant, like a dream of some sort. I got the horrible news that one of my best friends since pre-school died in a car crash, and that another friend of mine died in a different car crash. Brandon Allan Replogle and Amanda Lynn Musser. On the same day, just minutes apart from one another. I remember every event of that day like it was yesterday. The pain was so overwhelming, and my brain had numb itself just so I wouldn't go crazy. Trying to go through that week of school was hell. I wasn't required to do anything in class or even go to class. But it was horrible. The day of the viewings was like a giant kick in the gut. Seeing Amanda lying there made me cry like I've never cried before. Going to Brandon's, though, about did it in for me. The guy I had depended on for years and years was lying in a casket in front of me. I about collapsed when I saw him, I was so weak in the knees. I could barely see anything or anyone because I was crying so hard. The funerals and burials were terrible to go through, but I'm not really up to writing about those. I didn't cry as much as I thought I would, but I think I was just tired of it. It's not like I didn't feel incredible sadness or pain just because I didn't cry a whole lot. Believe me, I felt that sadness. 

Of course, I still feel that sadness. Every time I see a picture of Hugh Jackman, I laugh and think about one of the last conversations I had with Amanda about how incredibly hot he is. I look through pictures of Amanda and I and think about all of the hilarious conversations we've had, including "this conversation stays at the tech table!" conversations. Every time something happens in my life, I still want to turn to Brandon to get his opinion or just get a hug. I still turn to see if his truck is in his parking spot at our church whenever I go. He and I had a special friendship/practically siblings that can't be replaced no matter how hard I look. Because no one can possibly be another Brandon.

I wrote all of this to let you all know a little of what I've been through, and those events still affect me to this day. Of course it does, though, the year mark is just coming up. It still hurts. 

So what about this February? It's only half way through. It's Valentine's Day. So I don't really know yet. I actually had a pretty good start to Valentine's Day (haha, Fred shout out to you!) minus the fire drill we had. There's a lot of pink and flowers and candy and hearts everywhere, which kinda makes me want to gag. But I'm letting this day remind me of all the people I love and cherish. Including the ones who are chilling in Heaven having the best celebrations ever. Lauren, that includes you, dear :) (Lauren is a different story I don't want to get in to right now). 

(Back Row: Brianna Walton. Front Row: Kayla Peterson, Me, Brandon Replogle, Amanda Musser)

I miss these two like crazy. (and I'm pretty sure they'd want me to post a more flattering picture of both of them :P). But they're chilling out in a way better place waiting for us now. And I know Brandon will be standing there waiting to give me the biggest hug ever :).

However, every time I think of next week rolling around, I know it's the one year mark of the worst week in history for me, and I'm kinda dreading it. I still  have to deal with the pain and absence down here on Earth.

That's February's annual "kick Sarah in the butt" time I guess. I think I'll just start rolling around with it, expecting it, and start kicking it in the butt back. I won't let it tear me apart now. Stupid February.

(I'll pick a happier topic next time I write, but life isn't always happy. Hence the more serious/sad blog).

Caffè Americano

I honestly think I just had one of the most perfect coffee house experiences today.

I think everyone who lives in the Warsaw, Indiana area flipped out when they heard that a Starbucks was going to be built in the town. I love any coffee house, don't get me wrong, but my wonderful mother got me a Starbucks gift card because, well, she knows I love coffee and Starbucks is amazing. So today I decided to actually use the gift card.

This semester I have Tuesday nights completely to myself. I took advantage of that today and went off campus. I had never been to this Starbucks before. I timidly walked in, turned towards the counter and... saw that the barista was really, really cute. Hehehe. I ordered my Grande Caffe Americano with some pseudo-confidence I found inside me (I'm not the best with ordering things. Especially in a new location and there's a really cute guy taking my order) and waited patiently as he made it for me. He filled it to the brim (almost spilling it as he tried to put the lid on) and cautiously handed it to me. I smiled politely and said thank you, and walked happily away to find a couch where I could sit and study.

Kudos to Cute Barista, he made an extremely good Americano and it stayed scalding hot for over a half an hour. After burning my tongue, I sat down to study for two quizzes I have tomorrow. I got a lot of studying done and I'm confident on how well I'll do on those quizzes, but that's not really the point of what I want to talk about.

The atmosphere in a coffee house is very unique. It's one thing to just order the coffee from their and leave. It's another to actually stay and experience what it's like. I sat and experienced it for two and a half hours.

Today I had many of the classic characters one will find in a coffee house at some point in their lives pop in and out of the place. There was a family with very loud children who were excited about going up to the second floor (which confirmed that the choice I made of staying on the bottom level was the correct one). The group of older ladies who looked like they were somewhat stuck in the 80s were having a blast catching up with one another at the table closest to the doors. The couple meeting an old friend for coffee sat in the corner in the comfy chairs. The frazzled looking college student came in and set up a homework station for herself in a booth. The classic "same side sitter" couple came in and giggled more than studied their homework. The loud friendly middle aged couple came in and talked to anyone around them while ordering their coffee. An older man sat by himself enjoying his cup of coffee. More people walked up and down the steps from the top than I can remember. And then there was me, sitting at the couch close to the wall where I could get comfortable to study and could see everything.

No matter how many people were in the place at any given moment, though, the atmosphere was so relaxed. Many of the people who ordered coffee there today waited impatiently for it and then left in a whirlwind. However, the people who stayed gradually released the tension they had while walking in and became much more relaxed. Whatever the story was behind their day didn't really seem to matter at that point. They were taking a break from whatever had happened that day. I needed that for myself, too. I'm not a person who always needs to be doing something (and many times should be doing something when I'm not), but sometimes I still get wrapped up in that mindset that if I'm not bouncing from one thing to the next like rapid fire, doing a thousand things at once, or talking to people constantly, I'm not doing something right.

Americans are used to a hectic lifestyle, and sometimes I think they get so wrapped up in their business that the thought of taking a time out to enjoy a cup of coffee either bores them or scares them. Even if they're doing something productive while enjoying a cup of coffee, like homework, it's still not enough. We're used to doing several different things at once, and if we don't do it like that we're not getting enough done in a day. Even if we're draining ourselves to the point where we feel like crap, we still keep trudging through until burn out comes.

I understand things need to get done. I understand that we can't all just sit around on our butts and expect everything to just happen for us (even though I may act like that sometimes haha). But why must we work ourselves to death? Why must we always be in "rapid fire go" mode? Why can't more people just take a breather and relax at least once a day? Why can't we just focus on one thing at a time sometimes? Just think of that whenever you start feeling overloaded.

Today I learned to go to a relaxing environment if I need it. The time I had there was so refreshing and a reminder that I don't need to handle everything all at once. I can prioritize. And, *gasp* take time to take care of MYSELF before diving in to something again.

I had quite an amazing time today. It was a nice reminder that slowing down does not mean you are weak.

Well, and Cute Barista who makes amazing coffee had a little something to do with it, too. Hehe :)

Take a break, people.

Bacon. Cheese. French Fries. 

I had this extremely fattening concoction at Outback Steakhouse today with Alyssa and her mom and dad.

This is really, really good.

That is all. 

The Queen Influence

Song: Queen - Tear It Up

Being home for the weekend right after you return for college has its good and bad about it. Good: You get to see people back at home so quickly and it feels like you  never left. Bad: See "good", but tack on the fact that now I have to realize that I have to return to the land of college so quickly. It's not cool. Syllabus shock is over now, but I have the looming realization that all the things on the syllabus will be catching up with me about halfway through the semester. Goodie good. Not. 

Anyway, the real point of the blog is because today I watched the Queen: Live at Wembley Stadium (1986) DVD for the one thousandth time, approximately. I mean come on, who wouldn't want to watch 4 men in their late thirties  or early forties rock around on stage? From the gallons of sweat dripping of their faces from the heat of the lights, the horrid colors of their ill fitting clothes (or lack thereof. ex: John Deacon's really short shorts) making you want to hide your eyes, the bad (aka AWESOME hahaha) hairstyles becoming shiny with the gallons of sweat mentioned before, the glazed look in Brian May's eyes, the bouncing of John Deacon, the countless inappropriate pelvic thrusts of Freddie Mercury, and the "I'm so awesome" look Roger Taylor has the whole time, this concert certainly holds huge entertainment value amongst the people wiling to take the time to watch it. 

Besides the laughable bad 1980's style of the crowd and band and that nagging reminder in your head that 30 years from now our kids will be saying the exact same thing about what we wear now, another reason I watched it was for the nostalgic value it holds for me. Back when I was a wee freshman in high school (5 years ago, yippie) Queen was the number one band in my book. They're the band that got me started in to the whole concept of finding music for myself and discovering how music could really change things. Don't ask me why it happened to be a 1970s/80s British rock band, but it was. No matter what was wrong or what was going on, I could listen to Queen and it'd instantly make me feel better. Then, because of the wide array of influences they stated and the different genres they tried, I eventually started to reach out and find more of this beautiful thing called music. Queen still holds a special place in my heart to this day.

The band Queen, though, was a revolutionary band for it's time. They started in 1971 with their debut album, Queen, (super creative title) and honestly didn't get a lot of response right at first from the rest of the world (except the UK). The music on that album was just too weird for people to latch on to right away (progressive rock). However, they just kept going and climbing towards stardom doing exactly what they liked to do, which was play the music they wanted, no matter what. Their experimentation with different genres turned to work for the best for them quickly, and by the mid 1970s they hit success all over the globe. 

Enough of that. Back to the DVD. The crowd looked like they were having the time of their lives because of  these 4 middle aged men running around on stage singing and playing their instruments. In theory it sounds ridiculous, but honestly I completely understand. These guys, no matter how weird they were or what kind of lifestyle they lived, used what they could do to make different people across the world have at least one thing to enjoy. Their music. They wanted to share it with everyone else, and it led to that moment at Wembley where they have just made an extremely memorable night for everyone who attended. Random people all over the globe will probably say the music changed their life forever. It doesn't have to be that extreme, it could just be a "oh I really like this music" sort of change, but still. The band has some part of influence in millions of people's lives, even 30 years later or whatever. 

The point is that everyone everywhere has some sort of influence in someone's life. I recently began thinking about all of the people that I remember coming in to contact with throughout the 18 years I've been living. Obviously, most of the people that came to mind are the people I consider my family and friends (and the bands I've really grown to love), but even some random people I only remember coming across once in my lifetime but they made some sort of memory popped up in my mind. I'm not going to get all gushy and crap over how much everyone means to me in some long bloated paragraph with over used phrases... but believe me, some people may have no idea how much I love them or how much I've appreciated their presence on my life. I would need to sit down with every single one of them and have huge chunks of time set aside so I could truly tell them how they've impacted me over the amount of time I've known them.

(See, I only used two bloated cheesy sentences to get my point across.)

However, that is not the end. Jumping back to the men of Queen, I know they have no idea how much of an impact they've made on music and the people who chose to listen to it. They may have small clues and a couple examples, but the full impact they don't understand. And I doubt they ever will. They were just doing what they loved. 

It makes me wonder what kind of impact I actually make on other people. It's not really something that I consciously think about all of the time. I just go about my life doing what I love to do or what I have to do. Even though I'm not a famous person running around singing giving everyone the joy of listening to music and a chuckle to the bad fashion choices, I still come in contact with people every day. And maybe, possibly, I don't truly know how much of an impact I could have made on someone. I know there's people I know who have no idea how much one small thing they did really helped me out. They've probably forgotten by now. I know I've forgotten some things I've said or done for people. 

The conclusion? Stop feeling like you're useless in the world or that nobody cares about you. You're probably just not looking hard enough at the impact your actions have on everyone around you. You don't have to become an international superstar to make somebody's day or to be a person they'll never forget, even if you do part years down the road (which isn't fun, but it happens). Obviously, I'm only 18 years old, so I haven't lived a lot, but I know I've lived enough to say this to some merit. 

Now excuse me, I have to go find eye bleach because of an incident on the concert DVD involving a very bad camera angle and a very short pair of yellow shorts.

Never Say You Didn't Learn Anything

Song: 30 Seconds To Mars - Kings & Queens 

(The only reason I put the song I was listening to when I first start a new post is because one: if you've never heard it, you can try listening to it, or two: you can see if there is any link between the song and the blog post. Which, more than likely, there's absolutely no link between what I'm listening to and what I'm writing. Unless I say so before hand. If you guys find some random connection, tell me. If you want.)

I really love raspberry mocha. Badly Drawn Boy is a really good band. I need to not just put my keys in random places. That one coffee house at the bottom of the hill is an enjoyable place to be. Parcheesi is a very fun game. Grown Up Soda is delicious. My car can't magically keep snow off of himself. My car has an emergency brake (and is capable of donuts). I still enjoy doing tech stuff. I'm figuring out how to look out for myself better. I still can't listen to Be Thou My Vision without crying. Second semester requires less adjusting than first semester. Yellow shorts look horrible on me. 8:30 classes still feel a lot better than 8:00 classes. Never go shopping when you're hungry really is good advice. The cafeteria smells yellow. Taking walks in the snow is really refreshing. That metal pole that stands between double doors can randomly fall over. 

Look around you. You can learn a lot from the smallest events.

For example, today I was walking in the snow. It was a short walk to go meet Bethany and Dustin, but the walk was much more enjoyable than I expected. I just had a little time to myself and could focus on how beautiful everything around me looked without having to worry about getting to class on time or keeping passengers in my car safe. A five minute walk just reminded me again that life can hold the smallest surprises or lessons, but we just have to take the time to look around, listen, and take in all the small lessons around us. 

I'll end with this lesson: Take time for yourself. You'll go crazy if you don't.